I've seen few birds
these past two weeks.
The robins came, of course,
because they love me-
or because they are drawn to sorrow
and need to hop over
and puff out their blood-soaked chests
and look up at me
with tear-shiny black eyes
and tweet-tweet to me;
"It's okay, it's okay"-
all that they
know how to say-
too bad no one
can understand it.
Two springs ago
they waited by my feet,
far too considerate
to venture a chirp.
I fed them tortilla scraps
and dropped my smile,
and now I know they know,
I know they know.
I've never seen a dead robin
lying in the street.
Continue to tweet;I
may hibernate.
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139,457 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
Thanks so much everyone. I've made a couple of changes and may revisit this again. I really appreciate your comments and suggestions.
Jas
Jasmine! Hello! This was really very good-and it was depressing too. I couldn't really find anything wrong with it, but I do have a few minor nitpicks.
"Too few" doesn't seem to cut it for me. It sounds kind of weird to say. Maybe 'few' or 'such few' would be better.
I'm not too fond of this line. Abbreviations here seem break up the soft flow of this poem because we've reached a jarring and forced stop. Try spelling out 'okay' and then it would be much better.
Okay, but really, those are nitpicks, and this is one of the best poems I have ever read on YWS-it was really quite flawless. Keep up the good work, and don't be afraid to PM me if you need anything.
Hi Jasmine Hart,
Bload-soaked chest? So how again does this imagery fit in with the comforting, assuring role of the robin? Bared, hedonistic description of an object or phenomenon in its five-sense confines is good up to a point, but if you get some image as jarringly against what you are trying to portray in the rest of the poem, there's a problem. Either get rid of it or clarify on the irony (if there is any).
The rest of this was bland and nothing stood out. The repetition was cute until you started doing it in excess, at which time it became a gimmick that's overemphasizing an indication and thus ruining it. Too many cooks boiling in the broth.
"When my uncle died" was another line that was just unpleasant to read, not because of any content attached to it, but because of the callous way it was presented. Until that part, you had a pretty good extended metaphor going on, and then suddenly this jumps out at the reader. It's akin to speaking soothingly to a person for several minutes and then suddenly punching him in the face. Sure, it shocks, but not in a good way, and it doesn't drive the reader to any direction that complements your poem's theme. Make your transitions between concrete and abstract more fluid, so that one slides, not smashes, into the other.
Overall, nothing impressive or worth remembering, for a distant observer at least. You probably wrote this for yourself more than anyone else, but since you posted it on YWS for all to see, the reaction will obviously be different than if you showed it to someone who underwent the same thing as you did.
Hope that helped,
Galerius
Hi, Jasmine honey.
So, number one, if you can't understand or decipher my hand writing, please tell me.
Number two, off we go.
Hope this helps,
Cal.
Thanks everyone! I'll have another look at this and make some changes in accordance with your suggestions.
Hey there. Good day (or night), I'm hoping?
This is really nice, sad and obviously heartfelt. However, like Classy said (hey, buddy!) I really don't get why you put your uncle in here. Maybe just elaborate a little more. And also, the last two lines confused me. I think I might be blank like Classy there, too.
One thing I might add is to capitalize the beginning of all your lines.
Tata!
-Miss Mizz
I thought that your poem was amazing probably the best one I have read so far on this forum tonight. It was so sad and I agree with Moriah Leila you put a lot of heart into it as well as telling a story. It has a really good flow to it and I would not change anything about it!
Wow, I really liked this poem. It not only shared your emotions but it also told a story and approached death in an abstract way. I have to agree with Ben that your punctuation could use some improvement. The ending was confusing and didn't really mesh well with the rest of the poem's theme. It seemed totally unrelated and left me wondering what you were trying to say. If I were you I would just get rid of these lines:
Hope that helped.
Hey there!
I've got to say the effect of this poem is stunning and I personally love the implicity of the last two lines that allows the reader's imagination to wonder off in all these different posible paths. My main nitpick with it is here:
My nitpick is that the rhythm and flow of the poem is lost because there is a lack of punctuation. I feel myself improvising on when I should stop and take a breath and find myself having to re-read the same parts. Fix this and the poem will be flawless.
Keep writing,
Ben.
Goodness, this was so sad and heartfelt!
I am a bit confused by the last two lines though. I feel like you didn't explain them much- I apologize if it's pretty clear and I'm not getting it- but I do not understand what you are getting at here.
I feel like you need more description of why you included your uncle here. I feel like you just throw it in without any reason why. I would really like to hear it, too.
Nice poem, you have wonderful descriptions!
Classy